It’s late afternoon in Brisbane; the humid air collects into sweat which rolls down my back as the grey clouds above threaten rain. I sit on the back porch, typing idly into my laptop, a plume of smoke from my half-smoked cigarette curling lazily into the heavy atmosphere. I am reading a few of my favourite blogs, and reflecting on the nature of the addiction we all share…

And suddenly, a refrain from an old sixties protest song the aging hippies I had as teachers taught us in primary school, runs through my mind.  

“When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?”

I think of the behaviour of my fellow junkies and I, and I have to wonder. Will we ever learn? Or are we doomed to forever be haunted by the memory of the opiates… the kiss of steel and the opiate rush which seem, by now, so much a part of who we are?

Yoshi asked me this the other day. He is the age now, that I was when I started using heroin. (Lesser opiates had been part of my life, on and off, since my teenage years. But once heroin got its hooks into me, it’s been a rare week I’ve been without - except during my year in the United States. Ten years already, and it shows no sign of easing up.)

“Will this longing ever go away, or is the sweet rush of that opiate pleasure burned into our soul for good?”

As I told him, I’m older but no wiser… well aware of the tens of thousands I’ve shot up my arm in my pursuit of a little peace, or perhaps just peace of mind? But no wiser as to why the allure still remains. Regardless, I should know better these days. 

Word is there’s a heroin drought all up and down the east coast - people getting ripped off, even the best of dealers reduced to selling stuff much sketchier than they’d ever push at another time. The gear is, in a word, shithouse. 

Those of us on maintenance therapy, or without a severe habit, are the lucky ones. But something in us still screams for the score, for the hit, for the few precious moments of bliss… even if we know the price is too high in the end.

The price is too high, to keep seeking the high. But do we learn? Not easily, it seems, and none too well. Why?

“The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind, the answer is blowin’ in the wind.”       

Canada is just as bad. Last night I was sold a tbsp of flour for $100. I tried to shoot it anyway but couldn’t even suck it up the syringe it was so gluggy. I buy off this guy every day and he whined about giving me my cash back. My boyfriend stepped in, but still he’d only give me $80 and he wanted everything I hadn’t already mixed up, back. Today I bought off someone else to punish him, but the last time the other guy sold me some it made my face swell up and get super itchy, hallucinations etc. and no high. And that cost $130, no refund. Assholes!!!

I love that song..now you’ve got me humming it over on this end. But the vibe is a good one as I reminisce on those bold hippy gurus of old. How right they were on so many many things..and how I would thank them now if I could for their attempt at wisening us up.

How right you are in asking..

‘When will we ever learn?’

It’s a hard question to find an answer to..at least one that will satisfy the many aspects of it. Do we look at this situation as some profound ongoing life lesson..this pursuit of chemical euphoria..or do we see ourselves as failures in not being able to shake our love/hate relationship of all things opiate?

Perhaps there are no absolutes to this one..there rarely is to anything. In truth it’s not so odd that we chase it..because life today is a struggle..a never-ending battle with overload everything..how hard is it to understand we seek the peace of days gone by..opiates being the closest way to feel that again..even sometimes surpassing those memories of peace. It is in ‘how’ we must attain our modern day peace that brings with it the pain involved. Society continues to condem..sellers continue to deal hoplessness..guilt continues to overwhelm..is it any wonder things don’t sit right in this powdered love affair.

Not really.

You certainly hit the pod on the head with:

“Those of us on maintenance therapy, or without a severe habit, are the lucky ones.”

In todays dry dock & our worlds..truer words were never spoken.

Excellent reflective post Peri..been missing them.

Welcome back—
Mary
x

I was recently ripped too by some extremely reliable dealers. I was dumbfounded. I never thought they would do it. I couldent believe it. I once spent 500+ a week with these people.

I’ve now decided, fuck it. I’m sick of shonky dealers selling fucked up shit when its this dry so I’m sticking to shooting morphine tablets, etc.

Its cheaper and at least I know I’ll get a hit. A real hit. A taste. $25 a tablet for 100mgs of Morph.

Thats the stuff.

Loved your entry, completely relate.

xxx
Yoshi!

Thrilled to see your post.very good question Peri.I’ve been thinking lately to accept myself as an opiate needer and give up on the nagging “It’s something I HAVE to kicK” in the back of my mind.I think of all the time spent kicking,really sick and then really miserable.Maintenance of the pharmy kind is the way to go for me.It’s cheap,good,manageable.It’s unbelievable given our location that the country’s dry.Was all Oz’s dope on that ship?Like 4 years worth?
Your despcription of sitting there took me back about 10 years sitting on my GF’s porch(in Brissy) watching the sun go down in a fragipani breeze,just gorgeous,love

Same shit in Melbourne :/. My dealer’s only just lowered his prices to almost-normal. I’m not sure about street gear, the rips were up to about 3/4 in February and I haven’t done the street thing since then.

yeah in perth and last i was in kings cross the gear was very dissapointing, dried your mouth, got you almost there but way expensive and just didn’t cut it. Haven’t had anything decent in Perth since January…

Omg, I’m in a panic. I had the dates wrong for your special day.. just read your comment. (((hugs))) Congratulations!!! I don’t know which email is working but I’m so happy/thrilled/excited/proud of you both. Amazing growth you have both experienced and I truly wish nothing but the best for both of you.
*raises glass in a toast*
This one is for you, bella.

HG

Where in NZ did you live? I have been away from home for 3 years and it kills me. Missing the wild beaches…

Updates or no, I love what you’ve done with the place!

Very awesome web design.

-good times, Gerard.

P.S. Congratulations again!

I’m finally on msn, but I have trouble adding people, add me: tui.cyr@passport.com
talk soon!

Babe!

How do I join this site and start a-bloggin’, hmm?

where ru from i live 30 min away from bmore i can get it all dirt cheap..

“$25 a tablet for 100mgs of Morph.” - “Last night I was sold a tbsp of flour for $100.” - etc…

Jesus God, you all should move to London… Heroin is cheap powerful and plentiful since the US and UK bombed the fuck out of the Taliban… And I can tell you where to get a morphine script…

Ah but nevermind that. We don’t talk about that around here, do we?

What it is I wanted to say… “Does this longing ever go away?” Many people would say, the received wisdom almost, is no. But it can, you know, and it does, and I can’t tell you how, but every hour and every day you keep fighting is a small victory and a small step towards that… It is possible to forget and get over lady morphine, that jealous and demanding lover… Completely…