Waking up is never easy for me. Winters make it harder. And bupe maintenance? I’m on such a low dose now I don’t know why I still bother, but I’m afraid of the withdrawals.
The bupe keeps me more or less stable, but, like most of us, I miss the high of a good shot of heroin now and then. I crave the high, sometimes.
Today’s one of those days.
I stumble out into the kitchen, rubbing my eyes. Last night’s dishes confront me. The living room is a mess, and the whole flat needs a good vacuuming…
Ah, stuff it, says a little voice in my head. Let’s see if —-’s phone is switched on…
Minutes later, I’m on my way down the road to make the transaction. The gear’s been of variable quality lately… I cross my fingers, hoping today’s a good day.
One thing’s for sure, my dealer doesn’t keep me waiting. The deal done, I head home with my precious packet of white powder. As soon as I get in the door, I clear a space on the dining room table and start mixing up.
Loading my syringe lovingly, I tap the bubbles from the mixture in the barrel, tie my arm off, and begin the ever-more-difficult search for a vein. My dry, cracked fingers move across the softer skin of my inner arm, and then downwards towards my wrists. ”Best practice” injecting would have me avoid the wrist and hand area altogether, but the pale pink dotted scars tell another story. It’s been harder and harder for me to find a vein anywhere, so I utilise the spots I can find.
One false try, then - yes! - I hit a vein. The blood trickles, then mushrooms up into the pale liquid heroin as I pull back a little on the plunger. Yup, we’re set to launch.
I press the plunger down. Slowly, slowly… and then the drugs are in my body.
I feel a wave of…
Disappointment. Nothing. If there was the hint of a buzz in there, I missed it!
I shake my head, light a cigarette and start packing my equipment away. What a waste of time that was, I think, one more hole in my arm and a whole lot poorer. Not again.
Self-loathing competes with annoyance in my mind, and I continue cleaning the house, straight.
